Monday, July 29, 2013

Summer is here - confessional

"Let's have some friends over for a BBQ." I'm following the diet to a T. I've been adding new foods every three to four days, things are going pretty well. I'm feeling good, and I have energy again. I can do it. I'll make some food ahead of time for me, and eat just the burger patty along with everyone else. What could possibly go wrong? 

So many many things. To begin, it's a lot of work having friends over. I enjoy it but I tend to go overboard, making an elaborate feast that I can't really enjoy. I didn't end up having time to really cook my food ahead of time. My close friends know that I'm trying this diet out, but how well they pay attention to what I can and can't have I'm not sure. By the time all of our friends arrive and my husband starts to BBQ I'm emaciated. I could've eaten all of the food on the table. I only had appetizers for the guests, I didn't think I would be so ravenous. But I was good and didn't eat any of the chips and salsa, or my personal weakness potato chips of the kettle cooked variety. But someone brought watermelon, and fresh cherries. I figured fruit wouldn't be such a bad thing to "cheat with". So I ate a few slices of the melon and tried the cherries. They were amazing.  Mind you up 'til this point I'd only eaten cooked and pureed fruit. So in my mind this was a big cheat. 

In all the hubbub I forgot to remind my hubby of one important thing. When the burgers came in off the grill I almost cried when I realized he put cheese on all of them. At this point I was cooked. I had to eat something substantial and had nothing else planned. So I grabbed a plate and a cheese covered patty with my side of sautéed mushrooms and sat down to eat. I tried getting most of the cheese off but there was a residual amount left on top. Oh well, it was yummy. 

As the evening wore down and our friends were leaving one handed me a small pretty little box with a bow, thanking us for dinner. I was excited and nervous to open it. What could it possibly be? Of course it was a box of artisanal chocolates from a local chocolatier that I'd been wanting to try for ages. Each chocolate is $5 a piece and is organic, and fair trade. They were beautiful, and they smelled amazing. At this point in the night I'd all ready "cheated". I figured I was going to feel badly from the fruit I ate, so what would be the big deal if I ate a chocolate or two? So being an idiot for chocolate guess what I did? I ate them. I ate 3 out of 4. They were good, but not as good as I thought they'd be. Then I felt guilt. Horrible guilt for putting the evil sugar back in my body after feeling so much better. They were ridiculously sweet, almost too sweet. But again,what was I to do? It wouldn't be polite to not eat a gift from a friend. How badly could a few little chocolates make me feel? 

Waking up the next day I was a sloth. I drank my weakened coffee and was still comatose. After breakfast I felt nauseous. I craved things I couldn't have for days. It was miserable. I spent hours on the toilet that day recovering. My brain was super foggy. The worst part was I felt extreme anxiety come on. I was in the shower and could feel a panic attack coming. At that point I told myself food isn't worth it. I shouldn't have to be afraid of food, but I am. It can ruin my life if I let it. I need to be in control. There are plenty of delicious foods for me. I need to stand up for my health even if it makes me uncomfortable with my friends. It's not worth spending days on the crapper to make others happy. I need to be strong, at least until I get this figured out. This diet is hard, but I think it's saving me. 

Even though I cheated, I think it was good to see how badly it made me feel. And the residual effect lasted days. I'm more resolved now to not give in.

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